Things I can't stand about myself...

I hate how insecure I am.

I hate how I have doubts.

I hate how I worry.

I hate how unconfident I am.

I hate how I don't see my worth.

and most of all...I hate how I don't see how much I diserve him.

I get so scared about him just running away because I don't see why he would like me.
He tells me I'm beautiful, he tells me I've got a great personality, he tells me he's head over heels for me...And I still have doubts and I don't want to tell him this because I don't want him to run.

You have no idea how much I really don't want him to run away...
I want this to last and I be with him and I'm just so afraid he's going to realize how I'm not that amazing and just leave...Not talk to me anymore...turn out to be a jerk like all the rest...

oh my god...
why?
Seriously.

This is stuff I could never tell him...I don't want him to think I'm some worry-wart and I don't want him to think I'm doubting things. I'm not doubting him and I'm not doubting this working out....I'm just worried is all....I wish I could just trust easier.

and of course, right when I am having all this stuff going through my mind...
He calls, talks to me for like two hours and then makes it better....

God I love him.
He's amazing. Really.

- Brandi <3

"Mama knows best""

Son. Of. A. Bitch.

Even though I said I wasn't gonna let everyone get to me, I did tonight.
I was a flippin mess earlier. I was cryin' and just frustrated with everything.
I was talkin' to mom and she completely called me out on everything.
She's like, "You love him...You can't lie to me"

Damn it.

I was doin' damn good lying to myself about it...Until she pointed out how true it was.
I was so scared to admit it, I was scared everyone was gonna be like "It's way too soon"
Mom said "You can't rush your heart and you can't slow it down either...It's got a mind of it's own"

That's so true...

And I was too busy worrying about everyone else and it getting messed up that I couldn't see that...But honestly...I've been so scared to say it but....I do love him.
And I told him that tonight...He told me he was worried when I told him last night that I wanted to slow down, he was worried that I was trying to "Break up" with him...

But you know what...As of tonight...
I for real don't give a shit what certian people think.
He wants to prove them wrong about all the doubts....So do I.

Oh my god.
He loves me.
Like, for real....
And...
I love him....
Is this even real??
I hope so =)

- Brandi <3

They said "I bet, they'll never make it"

Why is it when I find something that makes me incredibly happy everyone else has to shoot it down?

Why is it so much stuff seems like it's happening to try and keep us from talking and keep us apart?

It seems like the only people who have faith in this working is us...
And I'm gonna be honest, it's frustrating...Extremely.
It's frustrating to not have people support you when you're so happy and you really care about someone...And that seems like that's what's going on.

Someone said "I give it two months at the most"
No.

Someone said "It's too soon"
For your information, we're taking it slow.

Someone said "He's too old"
I'm not 14 anymore and he's keeping his hands to himself...My mom doesn't have a problem with it...so get over it.

Why the hell does everyone have to doubt us?
My own damn grandma thinks he's just gonna hit it and leave...
a lot of faith she has in us.

Why can't it be easy? Why can't I just be happy and it work out?
damn it.

I guess it's that whole "Love isn't easy" shit...

Son of a bitch...

No....It's not....It can't be love yet...
Could it?

Honestly...I have no fucking clue anymore.
I care about him, a lot. I care about him more than I've cared about a guy before...
I mean hell, even if it does seem soon I actually believe him when he tells me he loves me...
I've never really felt like I could believe a guy when he's said "I love you" to me...But for some reason, I believe him.

I talk to him about almost anything...I feel like I can.
I feel like I can trust him, like he's gonna be there for me...
I've never felt this comfortable with a guy before and I don't want everybody else and their frickin doubts to ruin it for us.

You know what....I love them, very much...
But fuck it.

I care about him and he cares about me...
I'm not gonna let everybody else try to ruin something I've been wanting for so long.
I'm not gonna let them chase him off, I'm not gonna let them bother me.
It doesn't matter whether they think it'll last two months or two years...
It just matters what we think, what we feel....

I honestly don't want to know how long it's gonna last...
I don't want to know what's gonna happen...
I'm tired of worrying about what might happen or not happen.
I want to just go for it and go with my gut and my heart which are both telling me this is gonna work out, and it's gonna last and they're both telling me "You care about him, don't let them convince you otherwise" and damn it, I'm gonna listen.

"First comes heavy breathing, staring at the cieling.
What will happen next? I don't wanna know."

- Brandi <3

Sooo much stuff going on...

I seriously have so many emotions going on right now it's crazy.

I like him. A lot.
I'm so scared to rush things though...
I'm so scared to mess it up...

But honestly, more than anything I'm so scared to actually be falling for him...
He told me he loved me last night...I'm gonna be honest...I almost cried.
But, good tears...Because for once a guy told me he loved me and I believed him.
He's the only guy that's ever told me that where I believe him.

I swore I wasn't going to put too much effort into it, in fear of getting hurt...
Now I find myself wanting to make this work...Wanting to make it last.

So many people have shown doubts about us though...It's tough to hear it.
But no matter how many people have shown those doubts, I mean hell, Shaun said he doesn't think it'll last two months....I still believe it could last a long time.

It seems like a lot of people have little faith in us....
But you know what, I have faith in us....And I know he does too...
and I honestly hope things work out.

I know I didn't tell you "I love you"....
But don't for a second think I don't care about you...I do....A lot.
I've never felt this way about a guy before...

I hope it's real....and I hope it lasts....

Only time can tell...Right?

- Brandi <3

"I set out on a narrow way many years ago..."

"Hoping I would find true love along the broken road"

I was so afraid to fall for him...I was so afraid to get attached.
I was so afraid of him not being sincere...I was so afraid of him just wanting a piece of ass...
I was so afraid I was going to get hurt...I was so afraid it was going to be like all the other times...

But he so proved me wrong...

He is sincere...He doesn't just want a piece of ass...
This isn't like all the other times...

A lot of people say that good things come to those who wait...I waited, no, no...I gave up.
When I met him the farthest thing from my mind was finding someone...I wasn't thinking about a boyfriend, I had just held my hands up in surrender and said "Oh well, if it happens, it happens" and then here come this amazing guy into my life who turns out to be so far from my "type" yet so perfect in my eyes...

He doesn't want to rush things, he respects me, he's incredibly sweet, he put up with everybody's crap at Perry, he calls and texts me all the time, he is putting so much effort into this, and it's so weird to me...It's so weird to have this amazing guy interested in me...
It's so weird to be called "Beautiful" and "amazing" on a daily basis...

He jokes about me getting spoiled to his sweetness...I secretly think, there's no way after all the assholes I've been with I would ever take that for granted...

And, I'm not trying to say he's perfect...
He's not, he's told me he's not...He has his ex-fiance's name tattooed across his stomach, he smoked cigarettes (He quit though...Said he didn't want me to have to kiss him and him taste like cigarettes ^_^) he's jealous, he's insecure, he's not so sure of himself, and oh my god, I just got a reminder tonight of how much a guy he really is lol...Currently he's playing a video game in between texting me lol....But that's fine with me...Oddly enough, knowing all that I still feel exactly the same about him...I still miss him and can't wait to see him again...I'm still excited about us talking more and becoming closer and closer...

That makes it real right?
He says you like someone for their perfections you love them for their imperfections =)

I can't wait to see where this goes....Maybe, just maybe it'll turn out good this time.

- Brandi <3

"What will happen next? I don't wanna know..."

This weekend was absolutely positively amazing...

He is absolutely positively amazing.

So, we get to the pow wow on Thursday, I have no idea when he's supose to be coming (or if he's even coming) and I'm excited to pow wow, hopeful I'm gonna see him, nervous about multiple things, and trying to keep it all together.

So, Friday goes amazing.
I get to see some of my favorite guys from Tennessee of the Southern Echo drum.
I get to hang out with them and most of my family not to mention we get to go to the capitol in Tallahassee and drum and dance and raise awareness for HIV/AIDS prevention amongst Native Americans.

Of course, he doesn't show. Now I'm kinda worried, but he'd mentioned not being able to come until Saturday, so I had hope still. I go to bed and wake up the next morning, I'm hanging out with Paris and some of the guys from Southern Echo and I ask Paris if I can use her laptop to check my myspace messages...I check them, he's read but not responded to the last message I sent him...this is when I start to worry....Things like "well, what if he's just blowing me off?" pop in my head and I'm kinda bummed for a while...But I didn't let that show.
I was worried he was just like all those other guys...

Saturday morning was kinda a bummer to me...Then I saw Troy, his friend that was trying to ditch on him all week. There was a little hope, but I still didn't know.
I had to block him out though, I had committments and responsibilities to take care of.
Then, when walking back from someone's camp I saw him standing there talking.
I was so relieved. You have no idea how happy I was to see he wasn't like all those other jerks.
He actually showed up...But it wasn't until like half an hour to an hour later before I actually got a chance to talk to him. Nana had stayed just to meet him, she walked over and I don't know that you could tell or not but I was happy he was there. We didn't get to talk a whole lot on Saturday, but the harrassing started. I felt kinda bad because I really didn't expect everyone to find out he was interested in me so quickly, however...He put it out there first.
Which was surprising as well...

He actually survived through Perry, which I am not only impressed with but I'm really happy about. He's really sweet, very helpful, very respectful...Not to mention he has the most beautiful eyes! I told him before I left Sunday that I was really impressed that he didn't run away after all the hell everyone tried putting him through...Put him through.
Then I hugged him...and we kissed...Of course, if you would've asked mamaw she would make you think it was some big wet sloppy tongue wrestling. But no, it was sweet and respectful...and it made my stomach do backflips and cartwheels at the same time.

It was obvious neither of us wanted to part ways but we had to...
We've been texting for a better part of the day...He says his mom wants to meet me.
I'm nervous about that...For multiple reasons.
I've never had to meet the mom, and I think I'm nervous because it actually matters this time. I've come to the realization 100% that he's not after a piece of ass...He's not after a weekend thing.....and I don't think anybody realizes not only how much a relief it is to me but how happy I am about it.

Of course, something I've been thinking about...
I wasn't looking for any kind of a relationship, I didn't think anything of it when I asked him if he would two-step with me the first time I met him...I just had to lead the dance and didn't have anybody to do it with and he happened to be standing at the east gate that day...So I asked him...lol I asked him if he had any money, when he said no I asked him if he would two-step with me lmao I had totally forgotten about that until now. But anyways...
We danced together...Who knew a dance could start so much? =)

He told me before I left that he wishes I would talk more though...I was kinda shy around him all weekend...We'll have to work on that one...something I just realized as well...He told me multiple times that he really likes me...I don't know that I ever actually told him the feelings are mutual.
I know Pretty Boy told him I liked him, but I don't think I did...I hope he doesn't think that I don't...Because I'm pretty sure the feelings are 100% mutual.

Something else I noticed and I was talking about with mom earlier...
He is sooooo completely not my usual "type".
He's military, smokes, has a buzzed haircut, and well for lack of a better way to put it, he's completely white and has barely any knowledge of the Native culture...
But, for some reason none of that seems to matter...and that's what really tells me this is different than normal...The fact that he can be so many things I swore I'd never fall for and I still get butterflies and can't wait to see him again...

This blog turned out a lot longer than I had planned...
But none-the-less, I just had to get some things out that had been on my mind...
I look forward to seeing where this is gonna go...

<3 Brandi

This blog has turned out a lot longer than I had planned...But I just needed to write and put some things down that were on my mind...I'm

So flippin' confusing....

And kinda frustrating...
I hate having doubts.

I know I said I couldn't deny he makes me smile...
But I can't deny the doubts I've been having as well...

I'm scared I'm going to push him away...How being the "good girl" is gonna push him away.
But I'm not gonna change for him either...
Then it confuses me when I go to his profile and see some girl leavin' a comment about she still loves him and still wants to be with him...and this was like, recent.
I'm so scared of being played and treated the way I was treated with Bobby and I'm so scared of letting that get in the way of the possible relationship I could have with him.
I'm just tired of getting hurt and getting the bad end of a situation...It's not fair.
I know I diserve better than that...I want better than that...
Do I have too high of expectations? I didn't think I did...

I don't know anymore....I'm not sure where this is gonna go...If anywhere and it's frustrating...
Not knowing....
Not knowing if he's serious....he says he doesn't play games with girls and I believe him...Until I think about how many times I was told something like that by other guys....Damn it.
Why do I have to fucking compare him to them? It's not fair to either of us.

I have to realize he isn't them.
I need to find some trust in him somehow...And I don't want to tell him all this and scare him off.
That's the last thing I want to do...

I'm looking forward to this weekend...To talk to him in person again...
I'm hoping I'll get a better perspective (and maybe a little more trust) that way.

But, I'm also partially scared that the ragging he is gonna get from everybody if he shows the slightest bit of interest in me is gonna scare him off...I'm hoping it's not.
But being as it pissed Bobby off and he stormed off....damn it.
Again, I'm comparing him to the itty bitty sorry excuse of a relationship I had with Bobby Watson. I really wish I would stop that. It gets frustrating.

Oh well....I need to pack stuff for this weekend.
I hope he gets to come tomorrow...It would be nice to see him...No matter how frustrated and confused I am right now...

- Me <3

Dear life....

Are you like, punishing me for something?
If so, I apologize for whatever it was....
Please don't ruin what has been a pretty good week, considaring.

I really want to see him tomorrow....
and he seems like he really wants to see me as well =\

So, I finally find a good guy who to quote him "has takin' a likin' to me"
and his friend wants to bail to "go to a ceremony" more like...He's being a chicken shit cause the girl he likes is gonna be there....Hell, if he's scared I'll do the dirty work...I'll flat out ask her if she likes him...Mom says he should "grow a set"

Ugh....Life isn't difficult. People make life difficult.

I hope they get to come tomorrow =(

- Brandi <3

"Oh,you make me smile" =)

Screw it.

I can't deny that he makes me smile... a lot.
He never ceases to have perfect timing with a comment that makes me smile.

I can't deny the butterflies I get when he makes above said comments.

I can't deny I am really looking forward to this weekend
and that he is currently playing a huge part in that.

I can't deny that I've been smiling a lot more since we started talking...
or that I randomly smile when I think of something he's told me

I can't say that I'm ready to admit that I like him...
However, I think it's safe to say...well...I'm really looking forward to weekend =)

Most amazing thing a guy has ever said to me: "I don't really care how my week goes. I'm content with having an amazing weekend with you :)"

Either he's extremely sweet and amazing...Or just really good with lines.
I'm hoping more of the first =)

Love & [World] Peace
Brandi <3

Maybe this is what I need....

Today would probably be the farthest away from a good Saturday I've had in a while...
I'm seriously stressing some things going on with the drum right now, I'm stressing Perry, I want to do things right by everyone and I really don't like seeing people I know and love hurt.

At the same time all of that is going on...
I think I'm getting more fond of the idea of him being sincere.
Actually, I'm getting rather fond of the idea...
I've even found myself hoping he's being legit and honest with me...I didn't do that at first.
I was scared for that to happen.


But with that going on I've been doing a lot of thinking...This is what I've come up with:

I'm trying to make myself realize I can't make everybody happy in life,
no matter how much I would like to...

and I've also come to realize I need to think a little bit more about my own happiness and well...I'm kinda starting to realize I diserve my own happiness. Something I haven't thought about in a long time.

Now, I'm not talking about going as far as being selfishly obsorbed in myself...I could never do that...I would drive myself insane.

But, say for a minute something does progress from these little myspace conversations, I've come to realize that it wouldn't be a bad thing and I diserve that little piece of happiness and I shouldn't let people and worries and drama stop me from having it.

I'm still stressed though...but even though I'm kinda stressed about Perry...I'm really looking forward to Thursday...To being around people again....or maybe to see him, I'm not sure...
Would it be so terrible if it was the latter?

I hope not ;)

Love & [World] Peace
<3 Sunshine

"Tale as old as time..."

Okay...So, maybe...
You're not a jackasss who just wants a weekend piece of ass.
Maybe, just maybe, you're sincere and actually looking for a relationship.

Even though, I accused you of otherwise.

I'm not going to try too hard...Anytime I try too hard and put too much effort I end up getting hurt. I hate it, honestly I do. I hate feeling like every guy is after the same thing,
I hate being afraid of getting hurt...I'm trying my best not to feel that way with you.

You seem sincere so far.
You keep surprising me with your reponses...I expect arrogance and ignorance.
You surprise me with understanding and kindness...It's strange to me, but I'm happy about it.
I'm glad you don't seem like all those other jerks out there.

But that other part of me is still hoping you don't turn out to be like that...
I don't know where this is going...If anywhere.
But part of me is starting to hope that it does go somewhere...Maybe my luck is changing?

We will have to just wait and see...
I think I'll know more at Perry, you can tell a lot more in person than over the computer.

Love & [World] Peace
Brandi <3

What. The. Hell.

Seriously. Don't.
Why now? Is he even flippin serious or under the impression I'll be a good piece of ass??
I really don't want anything to happen.
He lives in GA. He's in the Army. He smokes.
Damn it.

I swear, if he's trying to fucking play me I'd be sooo pissed.
But, honestly. . .I'm not sure if I would be 100% happy if he is being sincere.
The innocent flirting, I was good with. I flirt, nothing wrong with that.
But when he started making comments like "Well ill probably go out there im kinda lookin forward to meetin the rest of your family lol" and then when I jokingly tell him "okay...You're brave. lol" He responds with: "Lol well it seems like its worth it :)"

Again.

What. The. Hell.

You hardly know me. We've met once and talked online and through texting.
Did I make that much of a first impression??

I have no idea.

We'll see.
I'm not putting first effort though.
Hell, I don't even know if I want this.
With you, or with anybody else right now.

Like they say, only time can tell.

Love & [World] Peace <3
Sunshine