"What will happen next? I don't wanna know..."

This weekend was absolutely positively amazing...

He is absolutely positively amazing.

So, we get to the pow wow on Thursday, I have no idea when he's supose to be coming (or if he's even coming) and I'm excited to pow wow, hopeful I'm gonna see him, nervous about multiple things, and trying to keep it all together.

So, Friday goes amazing.
I get to see some of my favorite guys from Tennessee of the Southern Echo drum.
I get to hang out with them and most of my family not to mention we get to go to the capitol in Tallahassee and drum and dance and raise awareness for HIV/AIDS prevention amongst Native Americans.

Of course, he doesn't show. Now I'm kinda worried, but he'd mentioned not being able to come until Saturday, so I had hope still. I go to bed and wake up the next morning, I'm hanging out with Paris and some of the guys from Southern Echo and I ask Paris if I can use her laptop to check my myspace messages...I check them, he's read but not responded to the last message I sent him...this is when I start to worry....Things like "well, what if he's just blowing me off?" pop in my head and I'm kinda bummed for a while...But I didn't let that show.
I was worried he was just like all those other guys...

Saturday morning was kinda a bummer to me...Then I saw Troy, his friend that was trying to ditch on him all week. There was a little hope, but I still didn't know.
I had to block him out though, I had committments and responsibilities to take care of.
Then, when walking back from someone's camp I saw him standing there talking.
I was so relieved. You have no idea how happy I was to see he wasn't like all those other jerks.
He actually showed up...But it wasn't until like half an hour to an hour later before I actually got a chance to talk to him. Nana had stayed just to meet him, she walked over and I don't know that you could tell or not but I was happy he was there. We didn't get to talk a whole lot on Saturday, but the harrassing started. I felt kinda bad because I really didn't expect everyone to find out he was interested in me so quickly, however...He put it out there first.
Which was surprising as well...

He actually survived through Perry, which I am not only impressed with but I'm really happy about. He's really sweet, very helpful, very respectful...Not to mention he has the most beautiful eyes! I told him before I left Sunday that I was really impressed that he didn't run away after all the hell everyone tried putting him through...Put him through.
Then I hugged him...and we kissed...Of course, if you would've asked mamaw she would make you think it was some big wet sloppy tongue wrestling. But no, it was sweet and respectful...and it made my stomach do backflips and cartwheels at the same time.

It was obvious neither of us wanted to part ways but we had to...
We've been texting for a better part of the day...He says his mom wants to meet me.
I'm nervous about that...For multiple reasons.
I've never had to meet the mom, and I think I'm nervous because it actually matters this time. I've come to the realization 100% that he's not after a piece of ass...He's not after a weekend thing.....and I don't think anybody realizes not only how much a relief it is to me but how happy I am about it.

Of course, something I've been thinking about...
I wasn't looking for any kind of a relationship, I didn't think anything of it when I asked him if he would two-step with me the first time I met him...I just had to lead the dance and didn't have anybody to do it with and he happened to be standing at the east gate that day...So I asked him...lol I asked him if he had any money, when he said no I asked him if he would two-step with me lmao I had totally forgotten about that until now. But anyways...
We danced together...Who knew a dance could start so much? =)

He told me before I left that he wishes I would talk more though...I was kinda shy around him all weekend...We'll have to work on that one...something I just realized as well...He told me multiple times that he really likes me...I don't know that I ever actually told him the feelings are mutual.
I know Pretty Boy told him I liked him, but I don't think I did...I hope he doesn't think that I don't...Because I'm pretty sure the feelings are 100% mutual.

Something else I noticed and I was talking about with mom earlier...
He is sooooo completely not my usual "type".
He's military, smokes, has a buzzed haircut, and well for lack of a better way to put it, he's completely white and has barely any knowledge of the Native culture...
But, for some reason none of that seems to matter...and that's what really tells me this is different than normal...The fact that he can be so many things I swore I'd never fall for and I still get butterflies and can't wait to see him again...

This blog turned out a lot longer than I had planned...
But none-the-less, I just had to get some things out that had been on my mind...
I look forward to seeing where this is gonna go...

<3 Brandi

This blog has turned out a lot longer than I had planned...But I just needed to write and put some things down that were on my mind...I'm

So flippin' confusing....

And kinda frustrating...
I hate having doubts.

I know I said I couldn't deny he makes me smile...
But I can't deny the doubts I've been having as well...

I'm scared I'm going to push him away...How being the "good girl" is gonna push him away.
But I'm not gonna change for him either...
Then it confuses me when I go to his profile and see some girl leavin' a comment about she still loves him and still wants to be with him...and this was like, recent.
I'm so scared of being played and treated the way I was treated with Bobby and I'm so scared of letting that get in the way of the possible relationship I could have with him.
I'm just tired of getting hurt and getting the bad end of a situation...It's not fair.
I know I diserve better than that...I want better than that...
Do I have too high of expectations? I didn't think I did...

I don't know anymore....I'm not sure where this is gonna go...If anywhere and it's frustrating...
Not knowing....
Not knowing if he's serious....he says he doesn't play games with girls and I believe him...Until I think about how many times I was told something like that by other guys....Damn it.
Why do I have to fucking compare him to them? It's not fair to either of us.

I have to realize he isn't them.
I need to find some trust in him somehow...And I don't want to tell him all this and scare him off.
That's the last thing I want to do...

I'm looking forward to this weekend...To talk to him in person again...
I'm hoping I'll get a better perspective (and maybe a little more trust) that way.

But, I'm also partially scared that the ragging he is gonna get from everybody if he shows the slightest bit of interest in me is gonna scare him off...I'm hoping it's not.
But being as it pissed Bobby off and he stormed off....damn it.
Again, I'm comparing him to the itty bitty sorry excuse of a relationship I had with Bobby Watson. I really wish I would stop that. It gets frustrating.

Oh well....I need to pack stuff for this weekend.
I hope he gets to come tomorrow...It would be nice to see him...No matter how frustrated and confused I am right now...

- Me <3

Dear life....

Are you like, punishing me for something?
If so, I apologize for whatever it was....
Please don't ruin what has been a pretty good week, considaring.

I really want to see him tomorrow....
and he seems like he really wants to see me as well =\

So, I finally find a good guy who to quote him "has takin' a likin' to me"
and his friend wants to bail to "go to a ceremony" more like...He's being a chicken shit cause the girl he likes is gonna be there....Hell, if he's scared I'll do the dirty work...I'll flat out ask her if she likes him...Mom says he should "grow a set"

Ugh....Life isn't difficult. People make life difficult.

I hope they get to come tomorrow =(

- Brandi <3

"Oh,you make me smile" =)

Screw it.

I can't deny that he makes me smile... a lot.
He never ceases to have perfect timing with a comment that makes me smile.

I can't deny the butterflies I get when he makes above said comments.

I can't deny I am really looking forward to this weekend
and that he is currently playing a huge part in that.

I can't deny that I've been smiling a lot more since we started talking...
or that I randomly smile when I think of something he's told me

I can't say that I'm ready to admit that I like him...
However, I think it's safe to say...well...I'm really looking forward to weekend =)

Most amazing thing a guy has ever said to me: "I don't really care how my week goes. I'm content with having an amazing weekend with you :)"

Either he's extremely sweet and amazing...Or just really good with lines.
I'm hoping more of the first =)

Love & [World] Peace
Brandi <3

Maybe this is what I need....

Today would probably be the farthest away from a good Saturday I've had in a while...
I'm seriously stressing some things going on with the drum right now, I'm stressing Perry, I want to do things right by everyone and I really don't like seeing people I know and love hurt.

At the same time all of that is going on...
I think I'm getting more fond of the idea of him being sincere.
Actually, I'm getting rather fond of the idea...
I've even found myself hoping he's being legit and honest with me...I didn't do that at first.
I was scared for that to happen.


But with that going on I've been doing a lot of thinking...This is what I've come up with:

I'm trying to make myself realize I can't make everybody happy in life,
no matter how much I would like to...

and I've also come to realize I need to think a little bit more about my own happiness and well...I'm kinda starting to realize I diserve my own happiness. Something I haven't thought about in a long time.

Now, I'm not talking about going as far as being selfishly obsorbed in myself...I could never do that...I would drive myself insane.

But, say for a minute something does progress from these little myspace conversations, I've come to realize that it wouldn't be a bad thing and I diserve that little piece of happiness and I shouldn't let people and worries and drama stop me from having it.

I'm still stressed though...but even though I'm kinda stressed about Perry...I'm really looking forward to Thursday...To being around people again....or maybe to see him, I'm not sure...
Would it be so terrible if it was the latter?

I hope not ;)

Love & [World] Peace
<3 Sunshine

"Tale as old as time..."

Okay...So, maybe...
You're not a jackasss who just wants a weekend piece of ass.
Maybe, just maybe, you're sincere and actually looking for a relationship.

Even though, I accused you of otherwise.

I'm not going to try too hard...Anytime I try too hard and put too much effort I end up getting hurt. I hate it, honestly I do. I hate feeling like every guy is after the same thing,
I hate being afraid of getting hurt...I'm trying my best not to feel that way with you.

You seem sincere so far.
You keep surprising me with your reponses...I expect arrogance and ignorance.
You surprise me with understanding and kindness...It's strange to me, but I'm happy about it.
I'm glad you don't seem like all those other jerks out there.

But that other part of me is still hoping you don't turn out to be like that...
I don't know where this is going...If anywhere.
But part of me is starting to hope that it does go somewhere...Maybe my luck is changing?

We will have to just wait and see...
I think I'll know more at Perry, you can tell a lot more in person than over the computer.

Love & [World] Peace
Brandi <3

What. The. Hell.

Seriously. Don't.
Why now? Is he even flippin serious or under the impression I'll be a good piece of ass??
I really don't want anything to happen.
He lives in GA. He's in the Army. He smokes.
Damn it.

I swear, if he's trying to fucking play me I'd be sooo pissed.
But, honestly. . .I'm not sure if I would be 100% happy if he is being sincere.
The innocent flirting, I was good with. I flirt, nothing wrong with that.
But when he started making comments like "Well ill probably go out there im kinda lookin forward to meetin the rest of your family lol" and then when I jokingly tell him "okay...You're brave. lol" He responds with: "Lol well it seems like its worth it :)"

Again.

What. The. Hell.

You hardly know me. We've met once and talked online and through texting.
Did I make that much of a first impression??

I have no idea.

We'll see.
I'm not putting first effort though.
Hell, I don't even know if I want this.
With you, or with anybody else right now.

Like they say, only time can tell.

Love & [World] Peace <3
Sunshine