My Story.

So, I wrote this on my old Livejournal account but I figured since I use this one more often now, I'd post it on here. This is my story that led me to supporting To Write Love On Her Arms. A lot of people tell me they wouldn't expect me to be someone who was depressed, well I was and this is my story about it.

This is my story.
Some would say it's not that bad, I'd have to agree. It could of been worse.
I am finally admitting something I have never admitted to anyone outside of my family and my close knit group of "friends" that are more like family to me. If you are one of those people that I call family and you've never heard this story, Don't be offended.
It's not because I don't love you or trust you, it's because I was ashamed of myself and of my story.

I have heard a lot of good things about myself from other people, I'm not saying this to be conceited, I have had people tell me good things about myself, that I always bring that extra ray of "Sunshine" to the room whenever I am around.
Well, in all honesty that "light" I bring to the room is only a recent development. A little over two years ago I had nothing to do with any rays of sunshine or light in any room. At the age of 13 I had become depressed, I'm not 100% ready to talk about what I was depressed about because it tends to make me become depressed again. But I had gotten better for a time, I thought I was "cured" of my depression, well apparently I wasn't. I was far from "cured", at 14 I became severely depressed, I didn't think I was worth anything, which I believe is partially where some of my low self esteem and confidence comes from. I thought just because certain things didn't work out nothing would. That's when it started, I had resulted to something I swore I would NEVER do.
Something I swore I was strong enough to not do. I cut myself, more then once, more so, I broke the skin with a safety pin cause I was always afraid I would cut too deep with a knife, so if anything I was ripping the skin. I was depressed but still thinking straight enough to not want to go THAT far. I never had the urge to kill myself, I didn't want attention, I was merely exchanging the emotional pain for the physical.
Everyone who cuts or self harms in some way has a different reason for doing it, mine was to sort of dull the emotional pain.
I figured, hell if it made me feel better inside what's the harm? Well....Needless to say, like everything else there's a down fall.
But I wasn't out of my mind, I was perfectly sane (Well, mostly) I knew I shouldn't do it, I knew I'd regret it, but still whenever I felt bad to the point I couldn't stop crying or just felt completely worthless, I'd dull it with the breaking of skin.

I can't even remember how long this went on, but I know when it stopped.
The day I felt like I NEEDED to cut was the day I knew I HAD to stop. So I did, I came clean to my mom and she helped me through it.
There were people who had doubts about me hurting myself, people who thought I was suicidal.
But eventually they began to trust me again, needless to say there's a safety pin laying on my desk and I have no urge to use it unless it's on fabric. I haven't had the urge to cut or hurt myself since that day.

Since then, I've learned that just because things aren't going well doesn't mean they won't get better.
I've learned that you have to find the good in things, you have to make good things happen, not wait for them.
There's a million things that have helped me deal with my depression and help me get to the point I am today, to help me be happy, to be able to smile everyday, to be the "sunshine" my Mekko named me for.

My family, the helped me through it all.
My friends, even though none of them knew, they helped me more then anything.
To Write Love On Her Arms, Renee's story inspired me to not only stay strong, but to not be ashamed of my story. She wasn't. She told her story to the world and now see how many people it has helped. Me being one of them.
My Poetry, Being able to write helped too, being able to put how I felt on a blank piece of paper. It wasn't keeping it inside anymore and it helped me work things out and sometimes it still does.
And last but definitely not least, my music. Not just the stuff I write but the stuff I listen to, All those cheesy songs you hear me listening to about "Hope" and "love" and yes even those cheesy little boy bands, they were my therapist for the longest time.
Sometimes, they still are.


I want to thank everyone who was there for me, even if they didn't realize how much I needed them.
Thank you. Your truly amazing for being such amazing family and friends.

I hope this journal doesn't make any of you think less of me, I'm not saying you will.
But I hope not.....

This is me at my most honest, my most vulnerable, this is my story.
Like it or not, this is why I am who I am.

I'm not ashamed anymore. I'm not scared anymore.

I'm free. I kicked the elephant's ass and it's out the door. (Only people who read Jamie's (of TWLOHA) Father's Day post will get that)

This is what inspired me to write this post, I found a old poem I wrote when I was depressed, when I used to cut. It made me think about things and realize I shouldn't be ashamed of it.

This is it. I titled it: Skin.

She slits her wrist and dries her eyes
Watching the blood drip as she cries
Hoping to bleed all the pain away
But only a little, day by day.
There's barely scars on her left arm,
for she hides them well, so they'll think she's strong.
Her life isn't perfect, but nobody's is.
She couldn't stop hurting with the pain that she's in
So she chose to bleed.
She tried to dull the pain she was in,
so she took a blade and she broke her skin.


I know it sounds morbid but that's the way I felt back then.
But no longer. <3

I love you all.

See you soon.

---------------------------------------------
So, I posted this last year on my old journal and yeah...It's weird because I was so comfitable with it then and I wasn't ashamed but now I find it hard to talk about again. I can openly talk about it on the TWLOHA forums on SocialVibe, but that's because 99.99% of the people on there understand and have been there. I guess my big fear is someone pushing me away because I used to be so depressed that I hurt myself. I'm afraid they'll think something's wrong with me. I know and understand depression, So, I get that something wasn't really wrong with me, I was just extremely sad and I couldn't control that, and most cases of depression are genetically linked to your parents if they've dealt with depression, you've got a higher risk of becoming depressed. I don't know. Maybe I need to start listening to Jamie more often, he's smart. He tells me (and about a million other people) that there really is hope and that we're "More love then we'll ever know" and that "we're not meant to live life alone"...He's right. We're not.

So. This is probably me being 100% honest for once.
Even though my scars healed quite well, their still there to me. I still know they were there before, and I still remember them. I'm not really ashamed about them, even if you can't see them. "Our scars remind us that the past is real" (Hehe...Yes. I ALWAYS have to quote a song in my blogs) I know, what happend then made me who I am today and I've accepted that 100%.
I just wish I could talk about it now. I'm tired of being scared to tell my friends about it without being judged....I know, I know real friends won't judge you, they'll love you for who you are.
But, I'm only human you know? I have worries.

And yeah...One of my worries at this very moment is getting to bed.
I'm tired. SO yeah.
Good night, or depending on where you are, good morning :-)

OH yeah! Before I forget. You know, I've been signing my blogs "Peace love and chicken grease" right? Yeah...well, I watched that video on YouTube again (This video >>http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eMkIABc2lJY) and Chris actually says "Love, peace and chicken grease" lol so yeah...I'm a little bit backwards aren't I? Oh well.
"That's Just the Way I Roll" hehe...Maddie would be so proud of me for putting that in there.
lol I'm tired can you tell? Ugh...I'm starting with the inside jokes now.

ANYWAYS
Have you ever notice I say that a lot when I write? Yeah...anyways haha

LOVE, PEACE and chicken grease :-P
((hehe, I got it right lol))

~Sunshine <3

Quote for the day: "But I just wish you'd tell me this one thing before you go, cheater, cheater where'd you meet that low down, up town, slept with every guy around, pressed on eyelash no good white trash hoe?" -- "Cheater, Cheater" by Rory & Joey ((I swear, it really IS a song.))