Completely frustrating...

Okay, maybe I'm just being hard headed, maybe not.

But I hate how I can't get him to realize he doesn't have to spend money on me...
My phone bill isn't his responsibility.

But does he realize that? Hell no.

Does he listen to me half the time? No.
I get it, he loves me and I know the phone thing is he wants to be able to talk to me and he knows mom isn't gonna put money on it...

But still...This trip...and this has nothing to do with him but mom shouldn't assume he's going to give her money for gas...That annoys the fuck out of me.
It's not his responsibility to make sure we've got gas money for this trip...It's hers.
If she got off her ass and did something she'd have more money...If she didn't spend it all, she'd have more money.

She needs to grow up and stop acting like a 2 year old.
and she needs to stop being a complete bitch.

I love her, but damn...

I'm so ready for this week to be over with.
I want to see Tony, I want to go to the pow wow....
I've got such a head ache, my neck hurts, I didn't sleep worth a crap last night...
and it's all stress related.

I'm stressed about this weekend...
I'm stressed cause I can't see him yet..
I'm stressed about not being able to do a Shawl Circle class...
ugh....

I need to see him, that will make it a little bit better...
A lot better...

Friday.
4 1/2 more days.

Fin.

Everything I Do (I Do It For You)

Okay...I suck with words sometimes...
Especially when it's something that means a lot to me.

I hate that too. It goes right alongside me hating the self-concious part of me.

I love you so much and I just wish I could tell you how much.

I would do anything in the world for you.
I really would jump in front of a bullet to save your life...

You are the only person I want to be with.
And the only person I've ever wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

I don't want you to get upset when I say I don't want to have sex or get married yet.
It has nothing to do with not thinking this will last.
I trust you, I trust this...I believe this will last and I want it to, more than anything.

There is so much, so many emotions and feelings with you that I've never had before.
You say this is true love...I believe it.
You know why? Because I thought I loved someone before, but the feelings I have towards you make the feelings I had towards that person look like an elementary school crush.
I believe this is true love because I've never wanted to make another human being as happy as I want to make you, I've never missed someone as bad as I miss you....I never dreamed that I would have a hard time getting to sleep at night because I didn't have someone by my side, but that night after we dropped you off, it took me hours laying there in bed to finally fall asleep.
And it was even harder to wake up and you not be there...I finally know what you mean about waking up to the one you love. It is an amazing feeling and after you've done it for about a week straight, it's hard not to.

I want you to know that one thing I never want is for you to be hurt.
I don't want you to think I'm like those girls who've hurt you or used you...
I would never do that.

I want you to trust me and trust that you are the only guy I want in my life.
Hell, I told a guy no to a two-step because I knew you didn't know him and wouldn't trust him.
I told him no because when I thought about you, there was no comparison.

I realized something being at the pow wow without you.
I'm not gonna lie, there were guys there that were available and close to my age.
But I didn't even look...I didn't realize it until afterwards but I didn't pay attention to any of them and you know why? Because you were the only guy I wanted to think about.
Because I missed you and was wishing you were there.

I don't know that you'll ever even read all of this...
But if you do, know that I love you more than anything and just trust that I won't break your heart...I know that's a big thing to ask, but baby, I trust you...and that goes beyond you not cheating or you being honest....I trust that you won't break my heart, I trust that you're going to be the amazing guy I know you are and I hope you can trust me in the same way.

I love you <3

I think I worry too damn much...

Never fails.

I get extremely happy and things get going great and I start worrying about something new.

He does so much to reassure me that he loves me no matter what and wants me to be happy and then I start worrying about not being able to make him happy...

Just can't win for losing sometimes.

Honestly, I've never in my life gotten so much joy out of seeing somebody else smile...
I've never wanted to make somebody as happy as I want to make him.
And yet I doubt my ability to...

If this isn't real I don't know what is...
Someone once said that "Love is a condition in which someone else's happiness is essential to your own" well, they were right...Whenever he's upset or frustrated about a crappy day or hurting or sick, I have the urge to do whatever I can to make him feel better.

And sometimes, I just don't feel like I have the ability to...
and it's really frustrating.

Baby, I know I'm probably not "girlfriend of the year"
but I love you with all my heart and soul...More than I have ever loved a guy before.

I hope you don't ever doubt that...

"Please, don't leave me"

There is something that has been weighing on my mind since I first started talking to you...


And I haven't really talked about it, I haven't said much on the subject when you bring it up...

But our conversation earlier kind of makes me want to talk about it...Tell you how I feel about it.



I've known from the start you were military...Troy introduced you as "Jones"...

"That's his name according to the army" Yep.

Well, I've sworn up and down pretty much my entire life I would never fall for a military guy.

It's not that I wasn't patriotic or didn't support the military, it's because I didn't want to be the wife and mom who had to get that phone call and explain to her kids why their daddy wouldn't be around anymore...



But now I've up and done it...

I'm completely head over heels in love with you...

No going back now...

Hell, I couldn't even if I wanted to...



That being said, I want to be honest with you. I want to tell you how I feel on a subject I've been avoiding as much as I can...

Your deployment.



Yep. I'm gonna be honest, when we started talking that was one of the first worries I had...Then I heard at Perry you were supposed to get deployed next year...



Honestly, the idea of you getting deployed scares the living shit out of me.

No matter how much I tell myself, "It's gonna be okay" and "He'll be fine. He'll come home safe" the thoughts are still in the back of my mind of what could happen over there...

And honestly the thought of you getting hurt or...well...I just couldn't bare losing you.

I have every faith that you will come home perfectly fine and I'm looking forward to the day you do come home from your deployment...That is when I will be worry free.



Now before you go worrying about anything, I meant what I said earlier

Whether you are two hours away or in another country, I will always love you and that isn't going to change when you get deployed...You don't have to worry about other guys, you don't have to worry about me going anywhere...Baby, I'm going to be right here when you get home and I'm going to love you just as much, if not more by then.





I want you to know that I love you with all my heart and soul and I will always support you and no matter what happens I will always be here for you...Whether it's to listen to you vent about a shitty day or cuddling up to watch Romeo and Juliet together.


I love you and you don't have to worry about me when you get deployed...
The main thing you need to worry about over there is coming home so we can be together again.

I love you with everything I have.

Love always,
<3>

"I don't care what they say, I'm in love with you"

This weekend was probably one of the best I've had a long time.
It was so amazing being able to see him and cuddle with him...
I love him so much...

Yet there are still so many people who seem to be against us.

There are so many people who try to plant doubts in my mind and I'm honestly sick and tired of it...When there was talk about me and Gage, it was all good because he was a "good boy"
now that I've found someone I love and I'm happy with and he doesn't have a perfect track record he gets condemned for it and isn't good enough for me or all he's after is sex...

Well you know what, I don't give a fuck what you think.
I am so tired of trying to make everybody else happy and not being happy myself.
I've finally found somebody who makes me the happiest girl in the world and I'll be damned if I'm going to let anybody fuck it up.

Say we're too young, say it's too soon, say he's just after sex, say it won't last, say he's not perfect, say what ever the fuck you want...

You don't have to be with him...You're not the one who's in love with him.
I am...So get a fucking grip, grow up and stop trying to ruin somebody elses happiness.

You all want to preach to me to follow my heart and do what makes me happy...
You want to tell me to think about my happines for once instead of everybody elses...

I have spent the last 6 years basing my descisions on everybody elses happiness and I'm so tired of it....I am so tired of not being happy because I'm too busy worried about everybody elses happiness....

Well...

It's my turn.

Grrr....

@#&^%#@&^#%@^@^@@@!%#^!*#%!^*#%@*^#@%^@$^#%$@$%&#$@&@*@@!&%#@&*#$^#^$&^%*%^#^%

Okay. Better.
Not really.

I just wanna scream at the moment.
I absolutely positively hate how fucking self-concious I am and how I don't think I diserve something good...and that's saying something cause I don't just hate things....I try not to hate things....

But I really hate it.
I see all the amazing things about him and none about me...
Yeah, okay I'm 17 and have a hell of a lot goin' for me.
I've got the Community Health Advocate thing, I've got the smarts, I've got more respect from elders than most adults have, I've got a plan for my future and I'm doin' something to make it happen....Yeah, so I see that...But I don't see how beautiful I am, I don't see how I'm "amazing" or "perfect"....I don't see how I diserve him.

He seems so amazing to me.
He's good looking, a all around good guy, he's respectful, he's sweet, he's caring, he's understanding, he's patient, he's well, in my eyes perfect...and I am so afraid he's going to wake up and realize one day that I'm not and just run away.

He says he loves me, he says he's head over heels for me and that he just wants me to be happy...He has no idea how happy he makes me.
I haven't been this happy in a long time and it's all thanks to him.

I just hope I don't do something to mess it up....
I'm so afraid I will...

- Brandi <3

You are so perfect...

I don't give a shit what anybody else says...
Okay, maybe he's not "perfect" but he's a human being, of course he's not perfect.

But I'm starting to see he's perfect for me.
I can't explain how he makes me feel, I've never felt this way about a guy before.

It's amazing and crazy and just...damn.

We were talking yesterday, and I realized that yeah I love all the sweet things he says to me but something I love even more is how amazingly understanding and caring he is...not to mention patient....He understand me not wanting to "fool around" yet...He understand not wanting to go too fast...

Last night we'd gotten on the conversation of me being self-concious...
He told me he had no idea why I would be...that I was beautiful and sexy and just amazing...
I was so surprised about all of it...He said when I see all my flaws he sees all my perfections...
Seriously? You have no idea how it feels to have a guy say "Baby, your perfect" to you...
He seriously almost had me in tears last night (In a good way, though) because I honestly don't understand how he can be so perfect and be in love with me...Am I really that lucky?

Whoever was watchin' over me and kicked me in my ass and told me to ask him to two-step last November, thank you...Seriously...All this started with a dance.

I can't wait to see what's next....
I can't wait to see him...
7 days =)

- Brandi <3