I think I worry too damn much...

Never fails.

I get extremely happy and things get going great and I start worrying about something new.

He does so much to reassure me that he loves me no matter what and wants me to be happy and then I start worrying about not being able to make him happy...

Just can't win for losing sometimes.

Honestly, I've never in my life gotten so much joy out of seeing somebody else smile...
I've never wanted to make somebody as happy as I want to make him.
And yet I doubt my ability to...

If this isn't real I don't know what is...
Someone once said that "Love is a condition in which someone else's happiness is essential to your own" well, they were right...Whenever he's upset or frustrated about a crappy day or hurting or sick, I have the urge to do whatever I can to make him feel better.

And sometimes, I just don't feel like I have the ability to...
and it's really frustrating.

Baby, I know I'm probably not "girlfriend of the year"
but I love you with all my heart and soul...More than I have ever loved a guy before.

I hope you don't ever doubt that...

"Please, don't leave me"

There is something that has been weighing on my mind since I first started talking to you...


And I haven't really talked about it, I haven't said much on the subject when you bring it up...

But our conversation earlier kind of makes me want to talk about it...Tell you how I feel about it.



I've known from the start you were military...Troy introduced you as "Jones"...

"That's his name according to the army" Yep.

Well, I've sworn up and down pretty much my entire life I would never fall for a military guy.

It's not that I wasn't patriotic or didn't support the military, it's because I didn't want to be the wife and mom who had to get that phone call and explain to her kids why their daddy wouldn't be around anymore...



But now I've up and done it...

I'm completely head over heels in love with you...

No going back now...

Hell, I couldn't even if I wanted to...



That being said, I want to be honest with you. I want to tell you how I feel on a subject I've been avoiding as much as I can...

Your deployment.



Yep. I'm gonna be honest, when we started talking that was one of the first worries I had...Then I heard at Perry you were supposed to get deployed next year...



Honestly, the idea of you getting deployed scares the living shit out of me.

No matter how much I tell myself, "It's gonna be okay" and "He'll be fine. He'll come home safe" the thoughts are still in the back of my mind of what could happen over there...

And honestly the thought of you getting hurt or...well...I just couldn't bare losing you.

I have every faith that you will come home perfectly fine and I'm looking forward to the day you do come home from your deployment...That is when I will be worry free.



Now before you go worrying about anything, I meant what I said earlier

Whether you are two hours away or in another country, I will always love you and that isn't going to change when you get deployed...You don't have to worry about other guys, you don't have to worry about me going anywhere...Baby, I'm going to be right here when you get home and I'm going to love you just as much, if not more by then.





I want you to know that I love you with all my heart and soul and I will always support you and no matter what happens I will always be here for you...Whether it's to listen to you vent about a shitty day or cuddling up to watch Romeo and Juliet together.


I love you and you don't have to worry about me when you get deployed...
The main thing you need to worry about over there is coming home so we can be together again.

I love you with everything I have.

Love always,
<3>

"I don't care what they say, I'm in love with you"

This weekend was probably one of the best I've had a long time.
It was so amazing being able to see him and cuddle with him...
I love him so much...

Yet there are still so many people who seem to be against us.

There are so many people who try to plant doubts in my mind and I'm honestly sick and tired of it...When there was talk about me and Gage, it was all good because he was a "good boy"
now that I've found someone I love and I'm happy with and he doesn't have a perfect track record he gets condemned for it and isn't good enough for me or all he's after is sex...

Well you know what, I don't give a fuck what you think.
I am so tired of trying to make everybody else happy and not being happy myself.
I've finally found somebody who makes me the happiest girl in the world and I'll be damned if I'm going to let anybody fuck it up.

Say we're too young, say it's too soon, say he's just after sex, say it won't last, say he's not perfect, say what ever the fuck you want...

You don't have to be with him...You're not the one who's in love with him.
I am...So get a fucking grip, grow up and stop trying to ruin somebody elses happiness.

You all want to preach to me to follow my heart and do what makes me happy...
You want to tell me to think about my happines for once instead of everybody elses...

I have spent the last 6 years basing my descisions on everybody elses happiness and I'm so tired of it....I am so tired of not being happy because I'm too busy worried about everybody elses happiness....

Well...

It's my turn.

Grrr....

@#&^%#@&^#%@^@^@@@!%#^!*#%!^*#%@*^#@%^@$^#%$@$%&#$@&@*@@!&%#@&*#$^#^$&^%*%^#^%

Okay. Better.
Not really.

I just wanna scream at the moment.
I absolutely positively hate how fucking self-concious I am and how I don't think I diserve something good...and that's saying something cause I don't just hate things....I try not to hate things....

But I really hate it.
I see all the amazing things about him and none about me...
Yeah, okay I'm 17 and have a hell of a lot goin' for me.
I've got the Community Health Advocate thing, I've got the smarts, I've got more respect from elders than most adults have, I've got a plan for my future and I'm doin' something to make it happen....Yeah, so I see that...But I don't see how beautiful I am, I don't see how I'm "amazing" or "perfect"....I don't see how I diserve him.

He seems so amazing to me.
He's good looking, a all around good guy, he's respectful, he's sweet, he's caring, he's understanding, he's patient, he's well, in my eyes perfect...and I am so afraid he's going to wake up and realize one day that I'm not and just run away.

He says he loves me, he says he's head over heels for me and that he just wants me to be happy...He has no idea how happy he makes me.
I haven't been this happy in a long time and it's all thanks to him.

I just hope I don't do something to mess it up....
I'm so afraid I will...

- Brandi <3

You are so perfect...

I don't give a shit what anybody else says...
Okay, maybe he's not "perfect" but he's a human being, of course he's not perfect.

But I'm starting to see he's perfect for me.
I can't explain how he makes me feel, I've never felt this way about a guy before.

It's amazing and crazy and just...damn.

We were talking yesterday, and I realized that yeah I love all the sweet things he says to me but something I love even more is how amazingly understanding and caring he is...not to mention patient....He understand me not wanting to "fool around" yet...He understand not wanting to go too fast...

Last night we'd gotten on the conversation of me being self-concious...
He told me he had no idea why I would be...that I was beautiful and sexy and just amazing...
I was so surprised about all of it...He said when I see all my flaws he sees all my perfections...
Seriously? You have no idea how it feels to have a guy say "Baby, your perfect" to you...
He seriously almost had me in tears last night (In a good way, though) because I honestly don't understand how he can be so perfect and be in love with me...Am I really that lucky?

Whoever was watchin' over me and kicked me in my ass and told me to ask him to two-step last November, thank you...Seriously...All this started with a dance.

I can't wait to see what's next....
I can't wait to see him...
7 days =)

- Brandi <3