Too many months between posts....

Okay, so....Yeah, a LOT has happened.

I'm single.
I cried...A lot.
But, I'm okay now and I don't hate him.

I'm out of school now and waiting for my final results to tell me if I passed and will get my GED.
I am now trying to figure out what I am going to do now.

I need to get my permit so I can learn how to drive.
I need to get my license.
I need to get a car.
and most importantly, I need to get a job.

I have no income, therefore cannot pay insurance, car payment, etc...

I have some goals I would really like to accomplish before the end of next year.
I want my license and a car.
I was a good job that I can pay my own bills with (Car insurance, car payment if needed, cellphone etc..)
and I would really like to have a place of my own.

That is one of my big goals in life, to have a place of my own.
and I am now working towards that.

I'm going to work on me for now...Getting my life together, improving my health, etc...
You know that whole self-improvement thing? Yeah, gonna try my hand at it again.
We'll see how it goes! :)

"No ocean's to wide and no mountain's too high"

"Cause together or not, our dance won't stop" <3

Okay, I knew when we first started out that this whole long distance thing was going to suck.

Now I'm really starting to realize it.
I miss you so bad.

I'm so worried I won't get to see you this weekend.
I haven't seen you in over a month.
I miss you.
I love you.

I need you...

I need to hold you in my arms again...
I need to kiss you and tell you I want to spend forever with you.

I feel so bad because I can't "do my part"...I rag you so badly about things being equal between us and I can't even get gas money to come and see you. I hate it.

I wish we didn't live so far apart.

Mom said earlier, "Love's hard isn't it? Makes you feel like none of it's worth it sometimes right?" I told her "No, it's all worth it" and it made me cry even harder.

I'm gonna be honest...I'm considaring moving closer to him.
Whenever possible.

You have no idea how hard it is to be away from him.

Feels like part of my heart is two hours away...

Please let things work out for next weekend...
I need to see him

"When this world makes you crazy and you've taken all you can bare"

"Just call me up, because you know I'll be there"

I just want to put this out there:
I have the most AMAZING friends...No.
Steven is more than a friend.
He's like a brother.

He told me tonight,
"You rock, you know that right?"
Me: "lol ok? I do?"
Him: "Yep."
"Always make me smile"
"good stuff"
Me: "Ummm...Ok lol"
Him: "lol"

Simple.
Most people would completely not understand why it meant so much.

Most recently...Actually, more so since last September
I've fully recognized how awesome of a brother Steven is.
He has helped me through the last 9 months more than he can ever realize.

I just can't thank him enough for being there for me.
He is an awesome brother and will always be...

- Me <3

Completely frustrating...

Okay, maybe I'm just being hard headed, maybe not.

But I hate how I can't get him to realize he doesn't have to spend money on me...
My phone bill isn't his responsibility.

But does he realize that? Hell no.

Does he listen to me half the time? No.
I get it, he loves me and I know the phone thing is he wants to be able to talk to me and he knows mom isn't gonna put money on it...

But still...This trip...and this has nothing to do with him but mom shouldn't assume he's going to give her money for gas...That annoys the fuck out of me.
It's not his responsibility to make sure we've got gas money for this trip...It's hers.
If she got off her ass and did something she'd have more money...If she didn't spend it all, she'd have more money.

She needs to grow up and stop acting like a 2 year old.
and she needs to stop being a complete bitch.

I love her, but damn...

I'm so ready for this week to be over with.
I want to see Tony, I want to go to the pow wow....
I've got such a head ache, my neck hurts, I didn't sleep worth a crap last night...
and it's all stress related.

I'm stressed about this weekend...
I'm stressed cause I can't see him yet..
I'm stressed about not being able to do a Shawl Circle class...
ugh....

I need to see him, that will make it a little bit better...
A lot better...

Friday.
4 1/2 more days.

Fin.

Everything I Do (I Do It For You)

Okay...I suck with words sometimes...
Especially when it's something that means a lot to me.

I hate that too. It goes right alongside me hating the self-concious part of me.

I love you so much and I just wish I could tell you how much.

I would do anything in the world for you.
I really would jump in front of a bullet to save your life...

You are the only person I want to be with.
And the only person I've ever wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

I don't want you to get upset when I say I don't want to have sex or get married yet.
It has nothing to do with not thinking this will last.
I trust you, I trust this...I believe this will last and I want it to, more than anything.

There is so much, so many emotions and feelings with you that I've never had before.
You say this is true love...I believe it.
You know why? Because I thought I loved someone before, but the feelings I have towards you make the feelings I had towards that person look like an elementary school crush.
I believe this is true love because I've never wanted to make another human being as happy as I want to make you, I've never missed someone as bad as I miss you....I never dreamed that I would have a hard time getting to sleep at night because I didn't have someone by my side, but that night after we dropped you off, it took me hours laying there in bed to finally fall asleep.
And it was even harder to wake up and you not be there...I finally know what you mean about waking up to the one you love. It is an amazing feeling and after you've done it for about a week straight, it's hard not to.

I want you to know that one thing I never want is for you to be hurt.
I don't want you to think I'm like those girls who've hurt you or used you...
I would never do that.

I want you to trust me and trust that you are the only guy I want in my life.
Hell, I told a guy no to a two-step because I knew you didn't know him and wouldn't trust him.
I told him no because when I thought about you, there was no comparison.

I realized something being at the pow wow without you.
I'm not gonna lie, there were guys there that were available and close to my age.
But I didn't even look...I didn't realize it until afterwards but I didn't pay attention to any of them and you know why? Because you were the only guy I wanted to think about.
Because I missed you and was wishing you were there.

I don't know that you'll ever even read all of this...
But if you do, know that I love you more than anything and just trust that I won't break your heart...I know that's a big thing to ask, but baby, I trust you...and that goes beyond you not cheating or you being honest....I trust that you won't break my heart, I trust that you're going to be the amazing guy I know you are and I hope you can trust me in the same way.

I love you <3

I think I worry too damn much...

Never fails.

I get extremely happy and things get going great and I start worrying about something new.

He does so much to reassure me that he loves me no matter what and wants me to be happy and then I start worrying about not being able to make him happy...

Just can't win for losing sometimes.

Honestly, I've never in my life gotten so much joy out of seeing somebody else smile...
I've never wanted to make somebody as happy as I want to make him.
And yet I doubt my ability to...

If this isn't real I don't know what is...
Someone once said that "Love is a condition in which someone else's happiness is essential to your own" well, they were right...Whenever he's upset or frustrated about a crappy day or hurting or sick, I have the urge to do whatever I can to make him feel better.

And sometimes, I just don't feel like I have the ability to...
and it's really frustrating.

Baby, I know I'm probably not "girlfriend of the year"
but I love you with all my heart and soul...More than I have ever loved a guy before.

I hope you don't ever doubt that...

"Please, don't leave me"

There is something that has been weighing on my mind since I first started talking to you...


And I haven't really talked about it, I haven't said much on the subject when you bring it up...

But our conversation earlier kind of makes me want to talk about it...Tell you how I feel about it.



I've known from the start you were military...Troy introduced you as "Jones"...

"That's his name according to the army" Yep.

Well, I've sworn up and down pretty much my entire life I would never fall for a military guy.

It's not that I wasn't patriotic or didn't support the military, it's because I didn't want to be the wife and mom who had to get that phone call and explain to her kids why their daddy wouldn't be around anymore...



But now I've up and done it...

I'm completely head over heels in love with you...

No going back now...

Hell, I couldn't even if I wanted to...



That being said, I want to be honest with you. I want to tell you how I feel on a subject I've been avoiding as much as I can...

Your deployment.



Yep. I'm gonna be honest, when we started talking that was one of the first worries I had...Then I heard at Perry you were supposed to get deployed next year...



Honestly, the idea of you getting deployed scares the living shit out of me.

No matter how much I tell myself, "It's gonna be okay" and "He'll be fine. He'll come home safe" the thoughts are still in the back of my mind of what could happen over there...

And honestly the thought of you getting hurt or...well...I just couldn't bare losing you.

I have every faith that you will come home perfectly fine and I'm looking forward to the day you do come home from your deployment...That is when I will be worry free.



Now before you go worrying about anything, I meant what I said earlier

Whether you are two hours away or in another country, I will always love you and that isn't going to change when you get deployed...You don't have to worry about other guys, you don't have to worry about me going anywhere...Baby, I'm going to be right here when you get home and I'm going to love you just as much, if not more by then.





I want you to know that I love you with all my heart and soul and I will always support you and no matter what happens I will always be here for you...Whether it's to listen to you vent about a shitty day or cuddling up to watch Romeo and Juliet together.


I love you and you don't have to worry about me when you get deployed...
The main thing you need to worry about over there is coming home so we can be together again.

I love you with everything I have.

Love always,
<3>