Completely frustrating...

Okay, maybe I'm just being hard headed, maybe not.

But I hate how I can't get him to realize he doesn't have to spend money on me...
My phone bill isn't his responsibility.

But does he realize that? Hell no.

Does he listen to me half the time? No.
I get it, he loves me and I know the phone thing is he wants to be able to talk to me and he knows mom isn't gonna put money on it...

But still...This trip...and this has nothing to do with him but mom shouldn't assume he's going to give her money for gas...That annoys the fuck out of me.
It's not his responsibility to make sure we've got gas money for this trip...It's hers.
If she got off her ass and did something she'd have more money...If she didn't spend it all, she'd have more money.

She needs to grow up and stop acting like a 2 year old.
and she needs to stop being a complete bitch.

I love her, but damn...

I'm so ready for this week to be over with.
I want to see Tony, I want to go to the pow wow....
I've got such a head ache, my neck hurts, I didn't sleep worth a crap last night...
and it's all stress related.

I'm stressed about this weekend...
I'm stressed cause I can't see him yet..
I'm stressed about not being able to do a Shawl Circle class...
ugh....

I need to see him, that will make it a little bit better...
A lot better...

Friday.
4 1/2 more days.

Fin.

Everything I Do (I Do It For You)

Okay...I suck with words sometimes...
Especially when it's something that means a lot to me.

I hate that too. It goes right alongside me hating the self-concious part of me.

I love you so much and I just wish I could tell you how much.

I would do anything in the world for you.
I really would jump in front of a bullet to save your life...

You are the only person I want to be with.
And the only person I've ever wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

I don't want you to get upset when I say I don't want to have sex or get married yet.
It has nothing to do with not thinking this will last.
I trust you, I trust this...I believe this will last and I want it to, more than anything.

There is so much, so many emotions and feelings with you that I've never had before.
You say this is true love...I believe it.
You know why? Because I thought I loved someone before, but the feelings I have towards you make the feelings I had towards that person look like an elementary school crush.
I believe this is true love because I've never wanted to make another human being as happy as I want to make you, I've never missed someone as bad as I miss you....I never dreamed that I would have a hard time getting to sleep at night because I didn't have someone by my side, but that night after we dropped you off, it took me hours laying there in bed to finally fall asleep.
And it was even harder to wake up and you not be there...I finally know what you mean about waking up to the one you love. It is an amazing feeling and after you've done it for about a week straight, it's hard not to.

I want you to know that one thing I never want is for you to be hurt.
I don't want you to think I'm like those girls who've hurt you or used you...
I would never do that.

I want you to trust me and trust that you are the only guy I want in my life.
Hell, I told a guy no to a two-step because I knew you didn't know him and wouldn't trust him.
I told him no because when I thought about you, there was no comparison.

I realized something being at the pow wow without you.
I'm not gonna lie, there were guys there that were available and close to my age.
But I didn't even look...I didn't realize it until afterwards but I didn't pay attention to any of them and you know why? Because you were the only guy I wanted to think about.
Because I missed you and was wishing you were there.

I don't know that you'll ever even read all of this...
But if you do, know that I love you more than anything and just trust that I won't break your heart...I know that's a big thing to ask, but baby, I trust you...and that goes beyond you not cheating or you being honest....I trust that you won't break my heart, I trust that you're going to be the amazing guy I know you are and I hope you can trust me in the same way.

I love you <3