You Find Out Who Your Friends Are. . .

I never realized how much I NEEDED a lot of people until now.
I've always been the one that gave people my shoulder to cry on, now it seems like I'm the one who needs other people's shoulders. . .And I feel like I'm afraid to ask them for it.

For the past month I've been trying to be strong.
I knew from the beginning of this, I had to be strong, for mamaw especially.
I knew she would need someone to lean on and talk to and I had it set in my mind that I was going to be there for her.

Now, that I'm being there for people I would normally talk to, I'm kind of at a loss about who to talk to. . .It's confusing and frustrating.
I know people have said "If you need to talk I'll listen", a lot of people have. . .Lynne, Charlie, Vanessa, the list goes on and on. . .But here's the thing, when I'm talking to them I'm happy and I don't have anything to vent about so, how am I suppose to vent to any of them??

Ugh. This is so annoying. Why can't one aspect of life be easy?
Just one.

But honestly, this past weekend at Sopchoppy I learnt something about a lot of people.
I learnt that I'm more loved than I ever even thought, I never even began to realize what I meant to so many people. . .Charlie made me realize that during Grand Entry friday. . .He also made me cry even more than I already had. He said "You have no idea how loved you are" of everything that has stuck with me over the week, that has been at the top of the list. He has no idea what that meant to me. . .And I can't find the words to tell him.
I can't find a lot of words here lately.

I can't find a way to tell Bobby and Sandy how much I truly love them and how much I was so glad to see them Thursday night. . .It might have been simple, us going out to dinner but it meant a lot, it meant a lot to see everyone and it meant a lot to have that moment with the two of them and Steven. Like I said it was simple and nobody thought anything of it at the time but, it meant something to me that I can't explain.

I can't find a way to tell Shannon how good it was to see her back at a pow wow, and how happy grandaddy would of been to see her there. She had no idea how she has impacted my life, nor how she changed it that weekend. She is so inspiring to me and I haven't been able to tell her that.

I can't find a way to tell Kevin, Paris, Mama Theda, Aunt Lee, along with the other women on the drum how much their love and support and how blessed I am to have each and every one of them in my life.

I can't find a way to tell Ken how much it means to me all he has taught me, he's taught me so much about drumming and singing, but he's also taught me more than that. He's inspired me to do better and to be proud of who I am.

I can't find a way to tell Mama Kim how much I admire her in so many ways, and how much she is like a role model to me and she inspires me to be a better person every time we are together.

And I can't thank Papa Vern enough for everything he has taught me and not just the Native teachings but even the little things, I learn so much from him and he truly is like my dad. That alone, means the world to me and I love him so much for it.

I can't find the words to tell Chris, whom I just met that he is an inspiration to me. It might sound silly to some, I haven't even known him a week and he's inspired me to not be a afraid of who I am. . .When I met him, he had this amazing aura around him that I can't explain but I want him to know he is an amazing person, no matter what and that he should never ever forget that.

In the last month a lot of things have become clear to me.
One, that we really do need to live every moment like it's our last.
Two, that life isn't measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
Three, that we shouldn't be afraid to show the world who we are and we shouldn't be afraid to tell the world how we feel. Whether it be how we feel about someone, something or just whatever emotion we are feeling at the time. We should embrace every chance we get to tell someone we love them, because you never know when it will be your last chance.

I always said my biggest fear would be losing someone I love.
Well, I've faced that fear, obviously. And it's hard, I'm not gonna lie it really sucks but by facing that fear I've realized a lot of things about life and about my life and about the person I want to be. It might sound crazy or silly or weird but, I feel like I need to not be afraid anymore. I feel like I don't need to be afraid of any of the fears I've had. . .I feel like I need to continue being myself and not being afraid to speak up when I need to, to not be afraid to tell someone I love them.

Sopchoppy was big for me.
Whether it was the people around me, the experiences I had there or what I have no idea.
But I learnt a lot and you can ask me "What did you learn?" all you want and I won't be able to explain it entirely. I just know that something happened for me at Sopchoppy and it was a good thing.

The entire time I've been writing this blog I've been talking to Steven on myspace, and honestly I can't thank him enough for that conversation. Your an amazing brother, an amazing friend and a pretty awesome person. I might pick on you a lot, but that's just us. . .It's what we do =)

I just really needed to get all of this out.
I don't know if people will ever read this or not but it was a way for me to vent completely and I needed that. I know there are a lot of people I might not have mentioned by name in here but, you all mean a lot to me and those feelings CAN'T be put into words. . .

I am so extremely blessed to have my entire family.
None of you need to forget that, ever.
I love all of you.
<3Brandi

My thoughts you can't decode. . .

So, I just needed to take a break from packing and just write.

I'm getting ready to leave to head to Sopchoppy.
The pow wow is next weekend and me and mamaw are going up for the entire week.
I don't know why but I feel kind of blah right now. . .
Maybe it's just stressing about things or just people being really pains in the ass right now. . .I have no idea but I needed to vent and just clear my mind and relax.
Writing normally does that for me.

I won't be updated this blog for the next week (unless I get my email/internet stuff on the phone set up) but I will be updating my other beauty/health blog "Don't You Know Your Beautiful" it'll be kind of short stuff, nothing too long depending on how much I feel like typing out on my phone. But, I'm keeping that one updated through out the week.

Umm. . .I'll be tweeting as usual, I gotta remember to set up my device updates before I leave too. . .That way I can keep up with people. . .

I dunno what's up but I need to get my mind right before tomorrow.
We have our last drum practice before Sopchoppy =)
I'm excited, not so much nervous as this point.
I get nervous and then, once I sit down at the drum with my girls I'm good.
It's like nobody's else is around, we're there and we're sharing this experience together.
I will definitely be blogging about Sopchoppy.

Anyways. I need to finish packing and I have to write a song out and do some other things.

LoVe, peace and chicken grease <33
Brandi